Sunday, June 8, 2014

Dick With Arms Syndrome

Ladies, ladies, ladies. What do we do? What to do? The world is full of douchebaggery and the anonymity of the internet has released a torrent of it upon our already harassment-laden lives. The cat calls in the streets have become online messages from foreign dudes. The pick up lines in a bar have become snap chats of random penises. The winks from strangers across the coffee shop have become the non-innocent version of the Facebook “poke.” *Facepalm*

I guess if you can’t get rid of them, you might as well have a little fun. I’ve decided to become obnoxious with those requests from foreign profiles… you know which ones I’m talking about, you know you do. Everyone gets them. Men too, I suspect. 

My goal is to piss them off so bad they will never consider messaging me again. So for your reading enjoyment, here are a few I’ve already conquered.

Random Foreign Dude: How are you?
Me: I'm doing well. Yourself?
Random Foreign Dude: So... what are you wearing?
Me: Your mother's skin.

Result: Mission Accomplished.

Here’s another one.

UltraS: I have found your profile and to tell you are very pritty. I wish to know you. You look the beautiful flower blooming in summer.
Me: u look like a jerk
Ultras: lol
Ultras: thx
Ultras: I want your opinion on your beauty
Ultras: Iwished to show the jerk one
Me: u do not make any kind of sense at all
Ultras: why did u said I look like a jerk ?
Me: because you do. i bet you wake up every day wondering what the world can do for you, how someone can conform to your needs
Ultras: good good
Ultras: what else
Ultras: how old r u btw
Me: old enough to knwo apiece of shit when i see one.
Me: i bet you treat girls like they're something you own
Me: a piece of property
Me: dont u?
Ultras: aha
Ultras: sure
Ultras: and u r already mine
Ultras: whose the guy who made all of that
Me: allof what?
Ultras: all of what r u talking abt
Me: what? a woman can't be intelligent enough to figure out what you're doing? Tell you what, visit my profile page, hang a left, up in the corner. In case you're too lazy, let me help you out: MARRIED.
Ultras: u r not
Ultras: too young
Ultras: a blonde
Ultras: no experience in life
Ultras: but u can pretend to be a good one, even u'll never do it
Me: u dont need experience to see that you think the world owes you something and must conform to your desires. you dont even need a fucking education to see that you view women as shit on the bottom of your shoe and are simply another source for pleasing you and nothing more than that. I dont need someone to tell me that you are a selfish arrogant piece of shit
Ultras: well to do it shortly
Ultras: I'm married ok
Ultras: don't need anything
Me: feel sorry for your wife...some cheatin asshole hung up on the internet looking for stupid girls to send him pictures of their pussy so he can get off at night... that poor woman.
Ultras: r u serious
Me: am i not right?
Me: is that not what you're doing?
Ultras: no
Me: i bet...
Ultras: lol
Me: then if you're married how come you are here chatting with other women when you should be doing something to show her you appreciate her and need her? ooh that's right...she's simply there to serve YOU and give YOU what YOU need and want...

Result: And he was never heard from again.

Ohhh, and one of my personal favorites, the turn around. In all honesty, I cannot take credit for the creativity here because these are simply phrases that I’ve heard in my lifetime. I just pulled them from the trap in my brain and spewed them out.
Him: How are you today, lovely?
Me: Married. You?
Him: haha, yes, let’s get married.
Me: No, I’m already married.
Him: You want to be with me tonight?
Me: Sure, why not? I hope you don’t mind, though. My cock is kind of really big. You’re not an anal virgin are you?
Him: Ummm
Me: I guess it’s OK if you are. We can use LOTS of lube. It’s really big, though. It might hurt at first and there might be a little blood, but I’ll try not to hurt you. I’ll make it comfortable for you. It gets easier and then it starts to feel good.
Him: Are you a dude?
Me: No, but I got a raging hard dick. You’ll suck it, won’t you?
Him: I thought you were married?
Me: Oh damn, you caught me. But I’m not like other women. When are you driving through my town?

Result: No response.

All of us ladies are continually inundated with these uncalled for requests and messages, so I plan to equip my fellow gender with the armament of contempt and humor. Please feel free to use any of these responses in your next endeavors with assholes. They suffer from a disease I’ll call Dick With Arms Syndrome or DWAS. 

Do YOU have a DWAS response you’d like to add to the weaponry? Please share in the comments below!

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